Autoethnography Final Draft

Am “I” In You?

 

            What is “I”?  That question was asked to me in my English class that I attended my freshman year of college.  When I deeply think about who I am, and this question, the idea seemed almost unthinkable.  To look at myself and ask that question, and deeply think about who I truly am really made me wonder how I could possibly answer that question.  To me the answer to this question is a whole variety of traits.  Someone may base it on character, personality, wealth, etc.  Of course when thinking of all of this, I may find out things or ideas about myself that I did not notice before.  The letter “I” is used every day as just a letter.  Whether it is used as a noun, or as a letter to form a word in conjunction with other letters, the deeper meaning of that letter is never thought of.  Although this letter is simple, the meaning of it is far more personal than I have ever thought.  The interesting thing is that no matter what any person’s background is, this letter and the question “What is I?” affects everyone.

I can try to base the answer of this question off of my bodily senses; Smell, Taste, Touch, Hearing, and Vision.  I plan to use various writings I have done based off of my senses to try to answer this complex question of “What is I?”  I feel that the best way to describe to someone who I am is to describe what is personal to me.  What is more personal than my own senses?  The senses I use only belong to me, and only I can feel/understand what they mean.  To answer the question “What is I?”, I plan to describe who I am through my senses.

            The way I plan to describe “Who am I?” through my senses is through a research process called autoethnography. It is a type of biography about the person writing their own paper. The autoethnography is a self written analysis determining why you belong to a particular group. The emphasis here is an analysis rather than history.  Autoethnography is a form of phenomenology, which is the study of structures of consciousness as experienced from the first-person point of view.  At the end of this autoethnography, I hope to be able to have analyzed myself enough to answer “What is I?”

Taste

            The first sense I would like to reflect upon is my sense of Taste. I recall a thought I had when I wrote my first essay for the English class I attended.  From my blog:

I find it fascinating that I don’t stop to think of just how complex my sense of taste really is.  I can taste something that I enjoy, or dislike, and remember to have that satisfying taste again, or not to taste that particular item again.  With all of these memories being compiled in my brain, it is interesting to know how certain foods or tastes bring back memories that have been locked away in my mind.  This fact has become a constant reminder to me of just how easy my mind can be opened like a sealed vault, and then how easily a taste can open up “the vault” and all of the information that was stored away, is suddenly all rushed out to me at once in the few seconds it takes to taste a particular food.  (Have a Taste of Me)

The sense of taste has a play on my emotions, as well as on my mind and body.  Taste can bring out my happiness, sadness, anger, etc.  This is all done by taste, again opening up the vault to my memories.  Some tastes can bring out a mix of my memories, and emotions.  Just as the sense of taste is the key to some of the happiest moments in my memory; it also is the key to some of the darkest, despairing, mournful memories as well.  No matter how much I tell my mind to only think of the good, my mind must always show both “sides of the coin.”  To every aspect of good that is in the human mind, on the other side is just as well, the dark.   With the sense of taste being able to perform all of these emotions, the sense of smell is possibly the gateway to my mind.  A gateway to who I am.

Smell

The next sense I would like to use to describe a piece of who I am is my sense of smell.  The best way to describe my feelings on this sense is from an excerpt taken from my blog:

When I think about the senses I think of them all as very separate pieces of the big puzzle.  What the sense of smell makes me realize is that when I can’t smell; I can’t taste as well.  This made me realize that just like pieces of a puzzle, if one of my senses, or one of the pieces of the puzzle aren’t connected correctly, that means that another sense isn’t corresponding with another, which throws my whole puzzle out of place.  This is why when I am sick; my senses seem to have lost their edge.  The sense of smell is a wonder because it is the gateway to the realization to all of our other senses.  The sense of smell isn’t important to me because of the ability to smell things, but because without it, all of my other senses wouldn’t seem to be in place.  Without the sense of smell, my puzzle wouldn’t be complete.  (The Gateway)

The sense of smell interacts with our other senses, as well as our mind.  The sense of smell has always been an important staple in my life. I use smells to describe different items (sugar, smoky, etc.)  The sense of smell is one of the most important sense I have the ability to use.  The sense of smell is not simply one of the senses I obtain, it’s the key to my thoughts, memories, and feelings.  Smell is another gateway to my mind.  A gateway to who I am.

Touch

            The sense of touch is one of the most pronounced senses I obtain.  I use it every day and in itself can help show to others people who I am.  The simple use of the sense of touch for a handshake, hug, etc, can give other people a sense of who you are. To help describe my feelings on the sense of touch, and how it relates to who I am, I would like to reflect upon part of an essay I wrote on the sense of touch.

One of the most interesting things about my sense of touch is that it can relate with other senses as well.  If I was to be blindfolded, and had to feel a random object, I can use my sense of touch to try and come up with a mental picture or image in my mind of what the object I am feeling may be.  This of course is relating to my sense of sight, and relying on images that I’ve seen before in the past compared to what I am feeling with my sense of touch to combine that two thoughts, and figure out if they match in any way.  The sense of touch helps to complete the puzzle that is “I”. (Do You Feel Me)

The sense of touch is almost useless without the sense of sight helping.  Without any mental pictures to use, it would be very hard to be able to identify what different objects I would be feeling were. This is another example of how the senses are pieces of the puzzle that is “I”.  The sense of touch is yet another gateway into my mind.  A gateway to who I am.

Sight

            The sense of sight is a great way to show who I am.  Of course, the sense of sight enables me to see the world around me.  The interesting thing about my sense of “sight” is that it not only enables me to see, but lets me examine people or objects as well.  An example that I can use to describe this ability of sight is an essay I had to write for my English 101 course in college.  I wrote a letter to President Obama as if I knew him personally, and how I saw different traits in him through his presence, voice, actions. Etc.  This showed that although sight is a sense for me, it also holds a different meaning for me as well.  Although I can see something with my eyes, my sight in my mind can change depending on different factors.  Although what we may see with our eyes may possibly be an illusion, we can see the real picture with our minds.  In a way my eyesight is just like my sense of hearing.  I can use my sense to see something, but I have to use my mind to unscramble the variety of images I am seeing.  It’s just like the difference of listening, and being able to hear when relating to my sense of hearing.  Although I am using my sense of sight, I have the choice of either just simply seeing something, or seeing something at a more thoughtful level.  With my sense of hearing, it’s the choice of hearing, or listening.

Hearing

To introduce my sense of hearing, I would like to use an excerpt out of my blog on the difference between hearing and listening. 

I believe that hearing vs. listening depends on a variety of factors.  Factors such as ability, attention span, and personality.  The best example I can think of is when someone is listening/hearing to music.  Someone may be listening/hearing to a specific genre of music, and another person next to them doesn’t want to listen or hear that specific genre of music.  Hearing to me is being able to think about what your ears are hearing.  Hearing is just paying attention to small detail.  When I go and listen to classical music, I can hear the music and think “This is boring.” But if I really take the time to listen to the music, I realize just how amazing each individual note is on each instrument, and how it all combines together to make the entire piece of music. (Hearing vs. Listening)

My sense of hearing is the sense I use all the time of my life.  Even when I am asleep, my sense of hearing is still being active.  That is why if I am hearing something loud, I wake up.  My sense of hearing is the final piece that completes the puzzle of who I am. 

“What is I?”

            Through this entire autoethnography, I have been referring to myself as a puzzle, and each sense was a piece of the puzzle.  The reason I used this analogy is because each of my senses represent a piece of who I am, along with what makes me function as I do.  If one of the pieces of a puzzle are missing, the puzzle can never be completed.  This holds true to my sense in the way of if one of my senses won’t work properly, or if they are not there, I don’t feel complete.  My senses have always been with me, are still with me, and hopefully will always be with me.  My senses are part of my past, present, and future.  Diane Ackerman’s quote from her book “History of the Senses” best explains my feelings on how senses relate to these thoughts.  She says: “What is most amazing is not how our senses span distance or cultures, but how they span time.  Our senses connect us intimately to the past, connect us in ways that most of our cherished ideas never could” (Ackerman).  I used the senses to help define a little of who I am.

I realized writing this paper that everything I’ve done in my English has led up to me writing this paper.  All of the essays, blogs, and writings we have done over the past four months have led to answering the question I was asked at the very beginning.  That question being “What is I?”  Each and every one of these senses had defined “I.” Without any one of these senses, I am not completed.  Although I used my senses to describe who I am, “I” is something that cannot be expressed in words, thoughts, or even in this essay that I am writing now. This essay will only give a glimpse of who I really am.  So this had me think of how I answer the question of who I am.  I realized that there isn’t a specific answer to the question.  Sure, I can try to describe myself through my senses, my life experiences, etc. but is that the way to answer who I am?  I came across a quote from Kayla Weiss’s blog which worded how I felt about what “I” meant to me.  Kayla wrote:

The word “I” is much more than a simple pronoun. It’s the definition of ourselves.  It’s our intellect; our emotions; our appearances; even our language. It shows the roadmap of our lives. Where we’ve been, where we’re at, and where we’re heading. I is much more of an explanation of our lives than just a word used on an hourly basis in our English language. (Weiss)

I have learned that “I” has a much deeper meaning than just being a letter.  Although I believe that the question “What is I” is impossible to truly answer, I will try to answer a glimpse of who I am.

            What is I? One could define more of a better definition by saying, who am I, how am I, or what am I? What is I is the verb tense of the phrases listed above. I am a guy; I am a student, a son, a brother, a friend, a boyfriend, etc. I can be all of those things but how can I explain who I am?  It is hard to analyze myself through my own perspective. It can be easier to listen to someone else talk about other people, but do I really know them? Would this question be easier if I listened to other people talk about me, in a good or bad way? I don’t think that matters as much as the views I have of myself, which some are still unknown due to the fact that I am young and still trying to define myself and who I am. “I” is not just what people see, but it’s what I feel and all the experiences I have been through. “I” is my past, present, and future.  “I” is anyone whose life I have touched.  “I” is anything I have said and someone has heard.  “I” is anything I have seen or have created for someone else to see.  “I” is anything I have tasted, and has changed my thoughts on certain decisions.  “I” is everything I have smelled, and had others smell.  “I” is a gigantic puzzle.  To figure out the puzzle that is “I”, you must put the pieces together.  I am more than a name, or simply a person.  I am every other person or thing that has been affected by anything I’ve done.  Anything I’ve said, wrote, read, etc.  I have affected someone in some way. “I” to me is anything that I have been a part of.  Whether if that means that I just wasted someone’s time, I still affected them.  So this leads me to answer the ultimate question, What is I?  If you are reading this, I am now a part of you, and anyone else who had taken the time to try to find out who I am.  I will live through the sights, sounds, smells, hearings, and touches of others who have found out in some small way who I am through one of their senses.  Just as my senses helped to describe who I am, other people’s senses help understand who other people are as well.  So, what is I?  I am the reflection of other people I have impacted.  I am the memories, words, and thoughts of others.  “I” is who I was, who I am now, and who I will be.  “I” is my life.

 

 

Works Cited

Ackerman, Diane. A Natural History of the Senses. New York: Vintage Books, 1990.

Veach, Jeffrey. Have a Taste of Me. Jeff Veach’s Blog. Retrieved March 30, 2009, from http://veachjeffreynjrp.wordpress.com

Veach, Jeffrey. The Gateway. Jeff Veach’s Blog. Retrieved March 30, 2009, from http://veachjeffreynjrp.wordpress.com/

Veach, Jeffrey. Do You Feel Me?. Jeff Veach’s Blog. Retrieved March 30, 2009, from http://veachjeffreynjrp.wordpress.com

Weiss, Kayla. An Ever Evolving Definition. Kayla Weiss’s Blog. Retrieved March 30, 2009 from http://krweiss89.wordpress.com/autoethnography/